Peace, I am at Peace

Monday, March 13, 2017
“Today was supposed to be such a happy and exciting day, for today I should either be holding a precious baby or still awaiting the arrival. Thinking about how crazy that is, we would be parents of two precious Burke children, absolutely proud parents. BB man would be a big brother, he would have been so good at it too because he absolutely loves babies and begs for a sibling from time to time. Today should have been that way, today should have had so many beautiful blessings… and it does because God woke us all up and blessed us with another great day. But the way things “should” have been aren’t turning out that way, because today would have been our precious baby’s due date. Losing a child is never easy, NEVER, regardless of how it’s done and how long you’ve had your child. I’ve heard some things after the loss of ours and one was “well, at least it happened early and not late term!”… Let me address that one remark for a second, it doesn’t matter if I lost our child at 4 weeks, 8 weeks, 13, 16 or in the third trimester, it doesn’t matter if it was during our pregnancy or shortly after, IT HURTS, it’s sad, it’s devastating! Creating a child is the most beautiful thing in the world, two people who had something so passionate created a tiny miracle, because that’s what children are, miracles so to have one taken away so early, so out of the blue is completely heartbreaking. The amount of love was amazing after it happened, it was so strengthening and powerful, but there were those few who had remarks like the above and while I held back then, now I just want to say “how dare you”.
During these last few months, it’s been a roller-coaster; some days are better than others, some days are full of love and light, and then there are those other days that seem rather dark. Since that day we have been taking things slow and doing what the doctor has ordered. We started trying for another baby when the doctor said things were good, and every month has been the same, “Aunt Flow” has come to see me. Every single month during that moment, I sit there and just fall to pieces all over again. The hurt each time is overwhelming and I feel like a failure, “something has to be wrong with me” is my only thought. I get my hopes up, every single time and I think “this is our month!” and I think that’s the problem… I’m putting too much into this. “Just relax, your time will come” is what everybody says… I should take their advice, right? Each time someone tells me that or “just don’t think about it, you’re trying too hard”, I just want to scream that “it’s easier said than done!” but I just keep my composure and say “I know, I know”. I love it, the fact that everyone wants to be there for us and have such kind words, but in the back of my head, I just want to run away each time they have those words that I know are coming out of their mouths. I want to hide out in our home for the rest of the year, I don’t want to face people and lately I haven’t. It’s been months since we’ve been to a family get together, and Christmas/Thanksgiving was the hardest because I had to face our families. I’ve been looked at like a basket case, like I’ve lost my marbles, and I’m seen like I’m always sad… but the last part wouldn’t be wrong. I don’t know how to face family without looking horribly sad, like something wasn’t horribly wrong. Then I’m seen like “I just want attention” and that’s definitely not the case. I’m grieving the best way that I know how, the best way that works out leading me out of this tunnel, and the BEST way so I can keep myself intact. Because that’s exactly what I’m doing, I’m grieving, not only the loss but the fact that we aren’t able to become pregnant and that every time BB man asks for a sibling I have to tell him “we’re trying babe!” Then there’s the pregnancy announcements and while I absolutely LOVE them, I hate to say my heart skips a beat every time… I guess it’s more that I so long for it to be me and it’s not. So I have a few things I’m dealing with and trust me, I’m starting to get the hang of it.”

I started writing this blog a month ago, trying to jot down all of my emotions and feelings as this day started creeping up on me. When I first wrote this blog I couldn’t help but feel so sad and I kept saying “I’m going to be a hot mess when this day comes”… but here I am this morning, feeling nothing like the paragraph above.. I feel happy, love and joy, I don’t feel sad in the least bit and I don’t feel the way I did when I first wrote that paragraph. If you’ve seen or spoken to me lately you’ll know that I don’t feel that way, in anyway. I am so happy that God chose me to be that baby’s mother, even if it was for a short period of time and yes I am sad when “Aunt Flow” comes to visit but it’s getting easier with time and now I know to be patient and wait for that happy moment to come to us. I feel peace, in such an awesome way, because at least we have a child to love on and be reminded that we still are blessed beyond measure, I left this morning and was able to hug our sweet little boy and kiss a husband who loves me with all he has. Some women don’t have that, and I do and I’m learning to be a lot more thankful for that. Some women don’t have a child, they are going through what I am going through with no children and I do.. that’s something to be grateful for in so many ways. I don’t have hurt, pain, or sadness in my heart anymore and when I read back on what I had written a month ago I feel so much happiness to see how far I’ve come. Today would have been a sad day, but it’s not, instead I want to celebrate that I was given the opportunity to be pregnant again and while the baby isn’t here, I need to appreciate that at least I got to experience it again and know that it will happen to me, I’ll be blessed with another sweet baby and I’ll know how great of a blessing it truly is. You’re probably asking why I feel so much peace, well I started a little church group earlier this year and it has brought me so much joy and clarity into my life. I’m not taking for granted one thing in this world and I get to have an opportunity to lead this group and help women my age who feel pain in their hearts or who are wanting to grow and they teach me things that I didn’t think they would. I have let go of so many grudges and the heaviness in my heart began to disappear. Little by little that group was helping me heal, I haven’t had a breakdown nor have I really thought about my pain until today and I don’t have that anymore.
To the women who are experiencing losing a child for the first time, it feels like a brick building collapsed on you, you can’t catch your breath from the grieving, you can’t get that heavy feeling off of you, and you just feel like you’ll break down at any moment; but I can honestly tell you with time, it gets better. You’ll never forget losing this child, but you won’t always have that hurt; I promise. You’ll hear this for the next few months and then one day you’ll realize everyone was right, and it’ll be the biggest relief. You’ll grieve, you’ll breakdown and depression will sink in, but you can get through this, just like I did and those before me.
To the women who are experiencing this for the second, third, or fourth time, you know the pain and you also know that this pain will pass too. It hurts and you know the sting won’t go away anytime soon but it will one day. You aren’t a failure, nothing is wrong with you, this is just the plan and when your rainbow baby comes along, you’ll appreciate it 10x more and take in all the blessings.
To the women who haven’t experienced this, pray for every single one of us and understand our pain. When you announce your pregnancies and we have the sharp pain in our faces that comes with the emotions, we are so incredibly happy for you, but sad for ourselves too. We want the best for you and pray for a healthy pregnancy for you because we’d hate to see you in our shoes and we wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. If you’ve cried with us, thank you, we need more friends to lean on. When we enter motherhood through a rainbow baby, stay by our sides as we frantically worry over every little thing of pregnancy, praying it doesn’t happen again.
Peace is how I would describe myself today, I am at peace.

Happy Due Date to our sweet baby!

-Burkeymommy

 

 

 

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One thought on “Peace, I am at Peace

  1. Love you. And yes every emotion is valid and important and your own. You owe no explanation to anyone. It’s been 17 years for me and yes I have my rainbow baby, but I still think of the what if. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

    Like

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