People would describe me as outgoing, always smiling, kind, genuinely cares for people, etc. They aren’t wrong, I would literally give you the shirt off my back if you didn’t have one, I’d give you my last dollar if you were starving and I’d literally give anyone a hug if they were falling off the edge. I try hard at relationships that are a lost cause, why? Because that’s what God would want me to do and because I can’t give up on a friendship without trying “one more time”… Which usually ends in five more chances when their second chance should have been the last time. I hate losing friends and that’s not because I hate having few friends, I’d actually prefer it; I hate it because with that one person we’ve probably shared memories and more laughs then I can even remember. I genuinely care with all my heart and I pour my heart to help others, that’s just the way I am; the way God made me. I’m writing this filled with tears because being vulnerable is such a hard feeling when I’m someone who is used to seeing others shed tears, not me.
I started suffering from depression a few months back and while it isn’t the worst form, that doesn’t matter, it’s plain as day and it cripples me at the worst times. I look into my husband and child’s eyes and just wonder how I could ever even feel any type of sadness because they are the most beautiful blessings in life. Sometimes (like this morning) I’ll wake up just feeling empty, overwhelmed with sadness and I’ll try to explain it to my husband, while he understands I’m sure he doesn’t get it. I feel lonely today, and everyone is probably thinking “but she has so many loved ones around her that love her”; true. Let me explain that to you, my parents live on the opposite end of Texas, I speak to my parents probably once a week, twice a week if we’re going to see them soon, and my absolute best friend lives there too; back in my hometown area. My In-laws live down the road and some live around the Houston area but we don’t see them often and while we probably should, getting the courage to face them lately has been the toughest challenge. Because while I’m smiling, I’m broken inside and I don’t like them seeing me like that. I have a wonderful husband who is the most supportive and loving man I’ve ever met, but he doesn’t know how to help me and I don’t know what I need from him. My son is the best thing that could ever happen to me, he is my world and he tells me daily how much he loves me. But feeling “lonely” isn’t actually being alone, it’s more of the feeling that no one cares. I could be in a room filled with every single one of my loved ones and I’ll sit there and still feel alone, while they mingle and chat. Unless you’ve gone through this, you won’t ever understand and if you have then you know my pain, my challenges and how hard it is to comprehend why no one understands. I smile through every single emotion, I’ll bring myself to actually look put together and you wouldn’t suspect a single thing; that is until you bring it up or ask me how I’m actually doing… I like to help others and I’ll text someone I know is going through a hard time, help them through that and go back to realizing that I also need help, but I won’t dare ask for it. I will look at my husband feeling like I’m shattered and tell him “I’m doing okay, good, fine etc.” and feel completely horrible but I don’t know how to ask for help. So what do I do? I help others and in a way it’s starting to heal me, I’m the type that can’t go to “counseling” because that sort of stuff makes it worse. I get on my knees, look up to God, and pray every single day for him to keep the healing process going. But like I said, some days are better than others, and those worse days are becoming less and less I’ve noticed. It’s an amazing, overwhelming feeling to look back at the week and realize I’ve had less breakdowns, I’ve felt less sadness and know that at the end of this, I will be able to say “I got over it”.
You may ask “why is she writing this”… well I saw a Facebook friends post earlier this week about depression and how it’s a terrible thing, it is and no one talks about it and everyone asks how to help that person… Truth is, there is no way to help them but just be there. For me, I don’t have to say a single word to my husband, I don’t have to express how I feel; we will literally just lay in bed quietly, my head on his chest and it’s the healing I need. Some are different, some want to be asked, want to be told there’s people there for them or to be reached out to… I don’t have that, I don’t have people who can reach out to me because they have no idea how I feel; I’m perfectly content with that. But I think deep down, I’m casting them out silently because with everyone knowing my loss, I expect them to be there for me and when they aren’t, I check them off the list. I am in no way trying to be mean or ugly when I do this, it’s just a habit from how I’ve been in the past; when you disrespect me or aren’t there when I need you the most, I turn myself around and realize you aren’t there for me like I think you should be.
I want ZERO pity from this, I’m not expecting to get a huge reaction, and I just think some should know how depression takes form. It’s different with every single person who experiences it, this is my experience and I am in no way a “mental patient” as some people say. I am just taking days as they come, realizing what I’m going through and looking towards the end of the tunnel; because it’s so close. If you are experiencing this and need someone to talk to, message or email me… I’m a helper, but I’m no psychiatrist. Where do I go from here? Back to being the way God made me because I have a human who depends on me to get better and a husband who I’m sure can’t wait to have his wife back.