Lately I have been doing blogs to help pass some time, as they do say, “time heals all wounds”. While I’ve LOVED getting to share stories and get to know a lot of people around me and their stories, I’ve yet to actually let myself heal. So today, I am not blogging about others, I’m more of expressing and sharing how I’m feeling within myself.
Yesterday I went to our church for the first time in months. I’ve been back to church but it was a friends, it wasn’t “ours” and it wasn’t where I hold so many emotions. We are apart of The Woodlands Church, I work for the Children’s Ministry on most Sunday’s at 9:30 until our horrible day happened and I haven’t been back since nor have I volunteered since. So yesterday was a lot of emotions for me, as I got up to get dressed my nerves were going haywire and I felt like a complete wreck. As we pulled up, my husband started to notice how nervous and upset I was but me being a woman, I told him “I’m fine”.. Famous words of a woman who is anything but fine! We finally parked and made our way inside, but as we got to the doors I found myself in a trance, stopped dead in my tracks and just stared at the church and it’s doors. During those 3 minutes, the world stopped, I couldn’t see anyone or anything other than those doors and my mind raced at 100 miles an hour and all I kept hearing was “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.. TURN AROUND”. If it wasn’t for my sweet husband, I probably would have. He took my hand, looked me in the eyes, and said nothing.. He didn’t have to. For the first time in months, I stepped foot inside our church and an overwhelming feeling took over, HIS presence was all I could feel.
Before I go further, let me break down why this was so hard. Since our miscarriage, the way I look on the outside screams “She’s better. She’s healed. She’s fine.” but I was and am anything but that. For the first month, I couldn’t even speak the words “miscarriage” let alone say we had one. The more I spoke about it the more I felt like I was milking it, like the world was sick of hearing about it, and our family and friends were over my distancing myself so I sucked it up and stopped. All that did was held in what I’ve been feeling so I didn’t take any steps forward, I just silenced my feelings. I stopped talking about my grief, I starting telling everyone I was “much better”, and I stopped thinking about church. I went to church for a friend and didn’t listen to half of what that pastor said, not because I didn’t believe him or want to hear him but because I was afraid to listen. I felt ashamed greatly, when our miscarriage first happened the very first person I blamed was myself, the second was God. I am so ashamed and I don’t feel I deserve His love because I blamed him greatly. He knew I wanted a child and knew how much that child was wanted, and in the blink of eye He took it all away. Let me be clear that this was how I felt at the time, a week later I prayed and prayed and prayed for his forgiveness but felt nothing. I didn’t feel better about it, I felt worse, how could He still love me and forgive me when I just blamed him and hated him in that one moment!? So yesterday when I went back to church, I felt I didn’t belong, that I shouldn’t be there, that He wouldn’t forgive me. But boy was I wrong. Stepping into that church, those feelings diminished, and I felt His presence and felt His love around me. I teared up during service, during every prayer, during a little of the Pastor’s message, because that Pastor’s message was about marriage and how to come back together, especially during the loss of a child. I learned that I needed to let my husband in, even after I shut him out not even 30 minutes before that. My husband was given to me by our Lord in instances like this, I didn’t just lose a child, he did too. In a sense, I was more going through the motions because I felt undeserving of His love and my husbands love.
So while I’m not 100% and I’m not “much better”, I feel that I’m on that road finally. All I needed was to step into that church and open my mind and heart and be honest with myself. If you believe in our good Lord, I just ask that you hold us in your prayers, if you don’t just keep us in your thoughts. We’re doing better and we hope to continue taking steps forward. We appreciate all the prayers and thoughts sent our way so far! We love all of you.
Until next time,