The Horrible Truth

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Last week, we experienced a tragic event that sadly, a lot of women end up enduring. Through this past week, I’ve gone through a lot of downs but a lot of ups as the week is coming to a close. I decided to explain my pain through a previous blog and luckily it ended up helping me in more ways than one. I was reached out by more than 30 women who I did not know and they expressed how much they kept everything inside or never came out with how they felt. Me, being me, could not believe this so of course, I googled miscarriage stats… It truly broke my heart.

More than 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, however, 1% of all pregnancies end in a missed miscarriage. The overall risk is 17 to 22% with weeks 3-4 being 22-75%, hence the missed miscarriage. At 3-4 weeks most women don’t even know they are pregnant so when they miscarry they think it’s their regular period. At 13 weeks, which is where me and our baby were at, it’s a 5% chance… FIVE percent chance. Yet it happened it us. More than 55% of the 20% of women go through depression.. 55%.. that may not seem like a lot but to me it truly is.

I blamed myself, completely. The first 3 days (and even now to be honest) I blamed myself. I didn’t go to a doctor, yet I had an appointment scheduled. I didn’t work out, which I definitely should have. I didn’t try to eat healthy. So I researched what can cause miscarriages, what I found really didn’t tell me it was all me. I found things such as; hormonal issues, maternal health issues, lifestyle-related issues (smoking, drug use, malnutrition, etc.), maternal age or trauma, and failed implantation of the egg into the uterine wall (most likely reasoning in more than 65% of miscarriages).

Now, I don’t smoke, I’m not a heavy drinker, I don’t eat completely horrible, and I maintain a pretty healthy lifestyle. I’m only 23 and I don’t think I have had any trauma that would result in me not being able to have another child. And I was 13 weeks along… But still none of those reasoning’s tell me that it’s anything I could have done. But still after researching & having numerous people tell me that I have done absolutely nothing wrong, I am still finding myself saying “It was me.” Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I was carrying this child, it was in MY body, and it was solely me in charge of taking care of that baby; and I failed. If I feel this way, I can’t even imagine how many other women share this feeling. Probably a lot. And I would tell them the same thing, IT WAS NOT YOU. But I understand their feelings, why they feel that way, and I know their pain.

Tomorrow will be a week. Tomorrow I will find myself reliving last Wednesday. But tomorrow I will also tell myself, it’s done. It’s over with. There is no going back, life happened; God’s plan happened. It was NOT my fault. It was all in His plan. So what do I do now? Well, I continue on with our plans. Our son starts T-ball on the 1st. Halloween planning will begin that day. Thanksgiving will soon follow and then Christmas. New Year’s Day will be here before you know it and on that day, we will kiss 2016 goodbye. I will leave all this pain behind and start planning our plans for next year. We will start to look forward to trying again for another precious child.

To the women reading this and have experienced what I just went through: If you have no support system, I am here. You don’t know me, but we share a common event and for that, you have gained a sister. I am here 100%. You are beautiful, strong, and did something that most women dream about, created a LIFE. While it was cut short, you experienced it. To the woman who have a support system, I am still here. You still gained a sister. & the same to you; you are beautiful, strong. To the women who have yet to have a child; one day you will, and when that day comes, look at that precious child and thank the Lord above because a lot of women don’t have that yet and yearn to. And to the women like me, who have another child; love that child, hold them close, and enjoy their presence. We don’t get to sit in a corner and sulk because we have another life to look after. They depend on us.

Until next time,

-L

 

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