I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve said “this has been the worst day!” or “this has been such a terrible week..” and have never truly taken a step back to see that it wasn’t actually all that bad. We all have horrible days at school or at the office, maybe even a stressful week and have said it, but then we have a truly horrible day or horrible week and it slaps us in the face. We are then left to say “well, that day or week wasn’t actually all that bad”.
September 7th, 2016 will go down as one of the worst days in my adult life. The first two would be when we lost my grandmother and my husbands grandfather, those were truly hard days. But on this day, we lost something so precious to us.
July 25th, 2016 we found out we were pregnant with our second child. The amount of happiness looking at that positive pregnancy test will forever be burned into my memory. I was so excited and happy, telling my husband was the greatest. Although it did shock us both because we weren’t trying, we knew that the baby was very wanted and God had planned it perfectly. We decided not to tell anyone because I had the most perfect way to tell everyone and those closest to us. Of course, things never go as planned and we ended up telling a select few and then my mother found out and that created a domino effect on how people would begin to know.
Then our world was rocked. That morning will be a morning I would never forget. I woke up at 4 in the morning to some light bleeding, nothing bad so I went about my day like normal and started getting ready for work. I took our son to daycare like normal, got to work, started the first of many pots of coffee and headed to the bathroom. The amount of bleeding that was happening sent me into immediate panic. I told my boss and headed straight for the nearest ER. At 11:41, the doctor came into my ER room and the look on his face told me all I needed to know. We had miscarried at 13 weeks 4 days and the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I didn’t cry, I didn’t say a word, my immediate thought was “how am I going to tell my husband”. They checked everything out, explained procedures and what to do for the next week or two, and discharged me. I finally decided to text my husband to tell him what happened, his response and the amount of love from him was overwhelming. I got to my car, called my parents and for the first time that day, I cried. I balled like a baby. I couldn’t make out very many words. My dad asked if everything went okay and all I could muster out was “No” and he knew immediately. I got home, took off my clothes from the day, got into PJ’s (at noon) and crawled into bed where I would be for the remainder of the day and just cried. My husband got home with our son and we all just laid in bed and held each other. Looking into their eyes, was all I needed. My family was ALL i needed. The next day would be filled with telling everyone that we had just told about the pregnancy. The amount of “I’m so sorry.” “God has a plan for everything” and so on would continue and fill my phone messages. Which trust me, we absolutely loved and appreciated but at that time, I honestly didn’t want to hear it. I wasn’t angry, but the amount of hate that was fueling in me was more than I care to even explain. I look back now and just feel so ashamed. Those next few days were filled with pain and sadness. I didn’t eat, I could barely sleep, and I began to feel myself falling into depression. I kept everything bottled in, every feeling, emotion, wanting to cry, EVERYTHING. I woke up Friday morning, looked myself in the face and finally told myself to stop. Stop feeling sorry for myself, stop letting myself feel the need to be depressed. I went into my son’s room, helped him get ready for the day, and just hugged him. In that ONE moment, I told myself to start feeling better. I have to be strong, I couldn’t let him down nor could I let my husband down. I filled that day with love and laughter and what better way than putting together a day of DIY projects with a very great friend. That was the day I started to feel myself.
My parents decided to come in for the weekend to help me out since I had let our house chores fall behind. Saturday night was filled with my parents, my husband, and my husbands dad and his girlfriend. For an hour, I sat and stared at them all and in that one hour, I had enough. I broke down. I couldn’t be around them. I knew it would be too much for me but I didn’t want anyone knowing how much pain I was still in. I gave myself that one hour to cry and then I got up and put that smile back on. That one hour was all I needed to start feeling myself again. I was so grateful for my parents. They gave me so much strength. And when they left, I teared up. I was on my own again, and I hoped I could continue on that strength.
To every mother or couple that has lost a child, I’m with you. For every angel who gained their wings way too early, you are missed. To every mother who fell into a depression, I now understand you. I used to judge those who gave into depression, and now I know how that feels. Its awful, the weight of the world is on you, the weight of emotion is filled up inside of you. But in those times, look at the positives and let it fuel you. For me, it was my child and husband. For those who aren’t there for you, feel sorry for them. To those who don’t understand your pain, let them judge you. They will never know what you go through, but it’s not about them. There is so much help and goodness in this world. There are people out there who will help you get up while your down. Put that hand out, you’ll be surprised and who’s there to grab it; I sure was.
Thank you. Thank you to my very great friend for staying with me an entire day to get my mind off of that horrible day. Thank you to my husband’s father and his girlfriend for bringing us dinner. Thank you to everyone who gave us sweet and kind words. Thank you to those who knew and understood our pain. And to those who are reading this and didn’t know, I wasn’t ignoring you, I wasn’t being distant, I was hurting. To those who are thinking of our pain right now, thank you. We appreciate you all. & Thank you to my husband who was there every step of the way, who knew I wouldn’t be down for long, who understood my pain and helped me begin to heal. I love you.
September 7th, 2016 was such a horrible day, last week was a terrible week.
It wasn’t our first and it won’t be our last. We got through it and now we are mending. We are thankful we got to experience being pregnant again and our next child will be an even bigger blessing. Our sweet BB man will be the best big brother too, until then we will enjoy this next year of new adventures with him.